Men’s 1st XV v Lordswood 01/11/2008

Home – London 3 South East

Report by Andy Ward

Won 58-0

After spending the entire morning trapped in my own world of attempting to figure out more of the rather sensitive beast that is the Google Maps API, I was quite startled to find out that it was raining. In true, mad scientist mode I hadn’t noticed. After having been disturbed from my soliloquising, the real world beckoned and a mad scramble was commenced to find my smart head gear before the taxi arrived to transport me and a thousand papers along to HQ in time for the afternoon’s activities. Those of you there will already know but the rest of you will be delighted to know that I won that particular race against time and was sporting the most talked about hat in Hove RFC.

After a swift pint to assist in the tasks and a lot of swearing, I managed to complete the emergency RFU ticket application form and entrusted hand delivery of the same to Mr. Henderson. Now, I could relax well, once I’d got the cheque I could but that’s another story and not for this particular publication.

Time for lunch and a far quieter affair it was, some of which must be blamed on the inclemency of the weather, some on Lordswood’s distance from HQ and some, I guess, on their lowly position in the league. Quite possibly some hadn’t realised that November sees kick off times moved to 2:30pm and were yet to arrive. Still, the fewer the numbers, the more the helpings which was good, but your correspondent had to concede defeat to Adam Tunesi on the apple pie and custard contest. Not really a contest more a one sided affair as the Tunesi frame caused the contents of his bowl to disappear faster than a feather up the hose of a Dyson Dual Cyclone.

Now, onto the game and the heavens had opened with an increased ferocity in the last few minutes and one and all of the hardier types were welcoming the addition of the marquee which had been erected ready for the U12 Festival in the morning.

Lordswood kicked off, bang on 2:30 following the aural invitation by referee Trimmer. A bit of a wayward kick which was snaffled greedily by the Hove forwards and turned into the first attack of the game. A line out in Lordswood’s 22 was the result which Hove won and started to press again. Some minor repulses were offered by Lordswood but the ball was retained and worked this way and that until the ball was given to Harvey who was moving at pace and his rampaging stride proved too much for the Lordswood defence and over he went for the first score of the match. The conversion proved beyond Sam but not by much and a few wind adjustments would need to be made on this awful day. I can’t let this moment pass by without reporting that Blakey, running the line in his own inimitable fashion was running (ok, ambling) along and suddenly disappeared from view as he tried to raise his flag whilst still moving. I’ve always told him not to attempt to do two things simultaneously. Will he listen? His centre of gravity shifted for the worse and on the slippery surface we were suddenly Blake-less as he went arse over tit and into the mud. The Blakey we all know and love was then replaced by a grubby street urchin equivalent for the rest of the game! I think his name was John McGrime!

In what would prove to be a forwards game, the second try came some 13 minutes later in the shape of rampaging prop Paul Hasib and this time Sam could slot the ball home for the extra two points. A good run from midfield saw Scott Patto get his first try of the game and with 30 minutes on the clock (but sadly not on the scoreboard as that seemed to be unwell!) Hove were 17 points to nil. In the dying seconds of the first half, Ryan Morlen managed to twist his way through the defence and with Sam’s assistance a further 7 points were in the locker taking the score to 24-0 as referee Trimmer signalled the end of the first half and all scampered in for a well deserved break from the weather.

Now, earlier in the half there had been calls from the pitch for a kit change at half time and so a set of dry shirts, shorts and socks were made available. To our surprise, the team turned out for the second half still wearing their mud bespattered outfits from the first 40 minutes. Much discussion ensued as to the reason with the congregation settling on the notion that they didn’t want to play in a more old fashioned big boy’s kit preferring instead the more nancy boy outfits that have been introduced of late.

The second half commenced with Sam taking the inaugural kick to set proceedings under way at 15:20, referee Trimmer having dragged all players screaming back onto the pitch! Within 7 minutes, that man Paul Hasib doubled his tally of points for the game and the season (career?) by sliding through for a further 5 points. A missed conversion meant the team had to be satisfied with a 29-0 lead. At this point, Rory’s knee injured last week proved to be troubling and Glenn was hobbling somewhat. A double substitution was made with Roger “Dog” Windsor coming on for Glenn and Charlie Brock for Rory. I should mention at this point that all the subs had been resplendent in their sub suits and as they swapped positions the suits were handed over too. Anyone who has worn these will know its not easy to put them on and damn near impossible if it is windy – especially if you are also cold and wet and your hands don’t work as they should. The congregation had five minutes of amusement at the antics of Glenn and Rory as they struggled against the elements to don their apparel. Finally, sense shone through and they went under cover of the ‘bus shelter’ to win through.

So, back to on pitch proceedings. Within three minutes of the substitution and whilst the sub suit shenanigans were in full flight, Ryan made a break and scored Hove’s 6th try with Sam adding the extra two to take the score to 36-0. A further 7 minutes saw Scott go over again and so we now had three people (Paul, Ryan and Scott) on two tries a piece. Eyes were peeled for jug avoidance measures! At this time, the Golden Child was asked to make ready for an appearance. Nick Paddenburg was brought off and Hove’s own answer to Usain Bolt – Cassius Mabitle was brought into the fray. Within about three minutes of his entry, the ball was kicked from the Hove defence and Cass thought he’d give it a chase. Whoosh as he overtook the retreating defender; bugger thought the full back who was racing across the pitch. But what they didn’t know but your correspondent does is that Cass is a star soccer player as well as a rugby player. As it was clear that he would get tackled if he stooped to pick up the ball, Cass just flicked it with his boot, did a bit of keep uppy, retrieved into the hands and to the bewilderment of the Lordswood full back continued the 100mph run and put the ball down over the line a mere 0.00003 of a nano second after it had been kicked out of the Hove 22. Reminds me of my younger days!

A missed conversion saw that Hove were now 46-0 to the good but a few minutes later Charlie Brock went over for a try and Sam converted. 53-0 and, I must admit that is where I thought it stopped. Referee Trimmer had the game at 58-0 and so. After discussion with the coaches, we awarded the following to Paul Hasib and, to my mind Paul was the deserved winner of the Man of the Match.

Heaving his leviathan body off the mud for one final effort, Paul single handedly raced from the Hove in goal area and set off up the pitch at a pace his physique would belie. Paffing the Lordswood defenders away as though they were mere midges on a desert night, he continued his solitary line up the field. Crash as he went through the front row, BANG! as he dispersed the lock, WHAM! as the back row flew off as though they were nothing and the backs shrivelled and cowed as Super Paul leapt into the air like a migrating salmon after a shag and landed with the ball on the line for a final and jug requiring try.

OK a bit of poetic licence above, but the ref said 58-0 and so it doesn’t matter what I record. Mr Hasib is required to bring his wallet to the next game for all to indulge!

Looking at the other results, Lewes beat Sevenoaks, Old Elts beat the Bulls, Purley John went down at home to Old Reigatian and Warlingham gave Eastbourne a 61-0 slapping. I’m guessing the OD and D&B game was called off. So, with the exception of PJF it was home wins all round. What does this do to the table? Well, Warlingham are still top with a 100% record, OR are second 2 points behind and OE third a further 2 points behind. We lie fourth 1 point behind OE. Next week’s opponents are Eastbourne and we must get into the habit of chalking up some away victories. It is brilliant winning at home and winning well, but some more away points are definitely required.