Men’s 1st XV v Hastings & Bexhill 09/02/2008

Away – London 4 South East

Report by Andy Ward

Won 26-0

After consulting with the great god google and establishing that a satisfactory journey time from Hove HQ to far flung Hastings was a mere 58 minutes, your correspondent accompanied by a beer swilling Stottie set out with time to spare at 13:15 to journey to the depths of East Sussex.

Having already filled up with sufficient diesel to allow pedal to the metal for the entire round trip – there was nothing to prevent us reaching our destination with time to spare to allow a cultural sampling of the contents of Hasting’s bar. Nothing, that is, apart from some fools at the Highways Agency who had scheduled the complete closure of the A27 at Polegate for about 400 metres.

So, a volte face was required and as instructed by the inept signage erected by the sons of Erin on behalf of said agency, we found ourselves in Alfriston and Seaford and then were buggered by that stupid bridge by the Galleon pub. 45 minutes later, we emerged at Polegate on the A27 having covered the 400 metres previously mentioned.

The air by this time had switched to several shades of blue as we waved, cheered and gesticulated merrily at the men responsible for our delay!It was now bang on 14:30 and the game would be kicking off some 25 miles further down what East Sussex County Council laughingly refer to as a road.

Despite the best efforts of Andy Schumacher, we could not make up for lost time and our efforts were dealt another blow as “Becks” Stottie neglected his directional duties and we missed the turning ending up on Hastings Sea Front. After following a slow moving line of traffic and going through every traffic light that Hastings had to offer, we finally ended up at William Parker School just in time for the demise of the first half.Upon asking the score, we found it to be 0-0 and realised that the Heavens do smile upon those poor unfortunates.

To the Bar! Well, we almost missed the KO for the second half having tarried at said bar whilst waiting to be served, but your correspondent – looking out of the window – saw Hove gain a penalty. Up to the mark stepped Dan Penney and after placing the ball in the required position, concentrated on settling his stance in anticipation of the strike. All looked good – the ball arced high in the air and was on target, but agonisingly fell a foot short and bounced of the post protector – BUT WAIT – what was that blur of maroon and sky blue darting through the petrified statues in blue and white?

None other the Captain Red Bull himself – Adam Phillips had followed up the kick and picked up the offering from Dan with a scoop of his hand and headed for the line. Too late – The Magic Boomerang that had paralysed Hastings now landed and they scrambled despairingly to lay hands on the cheeky chappie – but to no avail. Down went the ball into the Hastings mush and the combined efforts of referee Webb’s hand and whistle signalled five points to Hove. This time, Dan made no mistake with the kick and instead of being 3 to the good, Hove were now an impressive 7 points clear after just 2 minutes of the second half.

Sadly, Beer Fly Stottie had missed all of this which served him right for not observing his duties as navigator with sufficient diligence. Ha! Play restarted in customary fashion and Hove had by far the most of the twin requirements of territory and possession and around the 15 minute mark, good work by Jason Ellison down the right – finally carrying the ball as required – saw him dive for the line but just spill the ball at the moment of glory (bet he doesn’t let go of Tabs that easily!).

Up steps Paul Hasib to save the day as, when Jason spilled the ball, it went backwards and Paul grabbed it and used his sylph like physique to squeeze through the massed ranks of the Hastings defence to take the Hove tally to 12-0. Sadly, there it stayed after the kick had been taken as the ball refused to obey the directions of Dan’s boot and sailed to the right of the southerly upright.

Hastings now had a brief purple patch and gained presence in Hove’s half. A bit of a flurry ensued with he ball bouncing awkwardly and an enterprising Hasting’s boot sent it flying up the pitch to be chased by a pack from both teams. Maintaining it’s annoying bounce the ball evaded all and went conveniently (for Hove) into touch. Hove now started to build again and were soon back into Hasting’s territory with the ball working left to Alex Probyn.

Down the wing went Hello magazine’s latest pin up and he was surely going to be over for a try and an exclusive interview with Woman’s Own was already racking up the coffers in his mind. No lad, you hadn’t reckoned with the force known as Blakey!

You step within a metre of any white line in sight and up pops his flag like a stiffy in a whore house. No try adjudicates referee Webb as the Hove chorus bemoans Blakey’s latest bid for touch judge of the year! “You can bring him along any time” said the Hasting’s coach to substitute Adam Tunesi, Stottie and your correspondent. Basic decency and the fact that this is not a top shelf publication prevent me from recording Stottie’s beer fuelled reply.

Hove managed to work the ball again in a patient but speedy fashion and the action had moved to just in front of Hasting’s posts as the maul rumbled this way and then that. Bursting (well, sort of!) from this mass of testosterone came wee Dominic (keep it in your pants) Henderson – the father of a whole new generation of players!

Looking for the whole world like a spent match with his black scrum hat bobbling in the breeze and ignoring all siren voices to pass the ball, Wee Dom was announcing that this was going to be his big moment. Wee Dom lowers his head and collides mightily with some big oaf in blue and white, but then Wee Dom managed to twist and turn, wriggle and squeeze and with one almighty final effort of Ozzie indefatigabilty, fuelled with a yearning to be on the score sheet at last, Wee Dom pushes through and grounds the ball for a further five points to Hove. Well done Wee Dom say all.

Dan, positioned perfectly by Wee Dom’s inability to run wide, slots the ball between the uprights with a nonchalance not seen since the days of Golden Boot Rick himself. 19-0 and things are looking good.

A final surge by Hove saw good work down the left wing with the forwards supporting well and getting turn over ball. A final scrum five metres from the Hasting’s line saw skipper Glen Rankin peel off from the 8 and shoot forward like the brown stuff off the proverbial stick and score Hove’s fourth try of the day. The final action saw Dan calmly slot his third successful kick of the afternoon to take the final tally to Hove 26 to Hastings 0.

The other results also went Hove’s way with Crowborough going down 5-11 at Whitstable and Beccehamians being reversed by Charlton Park by 7 points to 15. This leaves Hove in a comfortable second place on 21 points with Crowborough third on 13 and a pack of three (no, not that sort!) behind them on 12. Hove sporting a +152 points difference to Crowborough’s -32 should mean that 1 more win is sufficient to gain the promotion that has evaded Hove in recent years – but 2 will make it mathematically certain.

Should we go up, then the Club will have to make hard decisions as to how it will stay up. Hove’s traditional “social” approach to the game may have to change somewhat. But for now, lets applaud the team and the great rugby that they are playing and continue to curse the Highways Authority and East Sussex County Council and especially that numptie in the black VW who refused to go above 20 mph all the way between Seaford and Eastbourne.

Tosser!